The days of
punishment have come; The days of retribution are here( Hosea,9:7).
Today, I will be indulging in Afghanistanism, the journalistic practice of leaving critical and controversial issues at home to focus on inconsequential issues abroad. It did not start in Nigeria but it was very popular here, in those bad old days of Decree 4 and allied instruments of military oppression, suppression and repression. Today, I will practice another form of Afghanistanism: ignoring the life-threatening challenges facing Nigerians to focus on other small-small things that will divert our attention, even if in the interim, from those existential threats . This is because, in trouble, to be troubled is to be more troubled. Worrying does not solve any problem (1.Peter,5:7) and scratching our heads does not solve any problems; it only makes one a crazy baldhead according to Bob Marley
Last weekend (July
8&9), I was in Lagos for a two-point agenda: the Original Weekend (a
marriage enrichment programme), organized by the World Wide Marriage Encounter,
and engagements connected with
Association of Anambra State Development
Unions, Lagos. I played the big-man and drove to Lagos, pretending to be
unmindful of the situation of things( Lagos-Ibadan traffic and the suffocating
cost of fuel). My fuel gauge was reading
about 75% full when I left for Lagos in the wee hours of 8/7/28. By the
time I rounded of my engagements on Sunday evening, the fuel gauge had ‘bend down low’ as one
musician would put it. I didn’t know how
it happened but I found myself at a
special filling station at IsaleEko, down-town Lagos. Fuel was N200 for
those wearing APC branded T-Shirts, N184 for carded members and
N97 for those with that special BATified cap. I did not
belong to any of these categories and as I was strategizing on a way out of the
situation, I heard from the radio, the bitter complaint by Ayoola Oyejide, the
National Coordinator of League of Youth Voters for Tinubu and Shetima, that the rise in
cost of living is ‘unprecedented and unbearable’. I also heard
that the National Association of Academic Technologists kicked against 200% fee
hike in Federal Universities, expressing its concern and worries
over the development. I was about
shouting who are those speaking
like ASUU when I woke up from my
dream and proceeded to NNPC filling station at Alapere where I coughed out
N30421 for 62+ litters of fuel!
Everybody knows the situation of things in
Nigeria, 6 weeks after May 29th.
It has been operation shock and awe in the economic front.
The price of fuel has gone up by almost300%; the exchange rate has gone down by
about 100%; import duties on certain items have gone up by 40%. Inflation is
about 24% and still galloping furiously. On top of all this, Federal workers were not paid as at 6/7/23 because of
a glitch in Integrated Financial Management
System . I thought it was a
budgetary glitch! Sellers are in a quandary because of the
unprecedented jump in the prices of their wares
due to transportation costs. And buyers cannot buy because they don’t
have the cash to buy, even when it is a life-saving item like medicine or food.
A woman who ‘manufactures’ plantain-chips was bemoaning her fate on 99.3FM on
Monday, 10/7/23. She suffered losses for three consecutive days and thus
decided to suspend her efforts and feed her children with the remaining raw
materials (rather than losing away what is left in pursuit of elusive returns). She has depleted her
capital and now, her family is in the position of the widow of Zarephath(1Kings,17:7-16).
Workers are confused because the value of their salaries (for those lucky to be
paid) has gone down by more than 50%. Some of us are even casting, binding and
calling on God of Elijah to ensure that their fuel gauges remains static; so
that their fuel does not run down as the oil of Zarephath!
Survival has become the major issue. Surely, food
has disappeared from our very eyes; joy and gladness has vanished(Joel,2:16),
even though some of us are still worried that a country the size of one small
local government (Seychelles) has asked
Nigerian holidaymakers to leave them alone. Some people are even complaining
about the cost of foreign flights which have moved up by more than 200% on the average. And some a worried
that the sale of Tokumbo cars has fallen
by about 70% . Foreign holidays and travels?
Sale of Cars? Are these people Nigerians and/or in Nigeria? As our people would say, it is the person who
has taken tea that should be aspiring to
take over-tea (Ovaltine).
Japaism has become the must-do but many japaists
are stranded because of the increasing cost of relocation. Those who have
started the process are now in a fix. A
friend asked me to celebrate because the government has suspended the 5%
telecoms tax; a tax we did not know when it was imposed or when it was removed.
Anyway, join me on the trip; I am off to
Afghanistan!.
Many Nigerians have joined TAN; not Ifeanyi Ubah’s Transformation Ambassadors of Nigeria but Trekkers Association of Nigeria and the membership is growing faster than that of Threads, the platform that is giving Musk sleepless nights. Several non-fuel consuming transportation modes have been developed while some people are reading up the book ‘ how to refine your own fuel’. As a survival strategy for the tough times, some ladies have turned or a planning to turn Davido into their lifetime ATM by crowning hm their Baby-Dady, by fire by force the latest being Anita, Ivana Bay, Akosua Sally, Kora Obidi and Hauwa Saidu Mohammed( Jaruma) They hope to get money from him, trend by cobranding with him, have more followers etc What is left now is for men to show baby-bumps resulting from their ‘doing’ with the very active and vibrant young man who now occupies the office of the First Nephew of Osun State and will soon win the GWR plaque for being the most versatile & globalized babydaddy. But he may have to contend with Mancity defender, Benjamine Mendy who claims to have slept with over 10,000 women. He is just 28 and if he started ‘doing’’ at 18,the rate of knacking is almost 3 per day!
What was hidden and shameful in the past has now become institutionalized with some terms developed along the line.
Things are now so bad that a bride had to attend her wedding with a convoy of horses while among the gifts presented to her was a bundle of clean firewood .You all know that Nigeria is a land where absurdity walks on all fours. I was led by the spirit to remember how a snake swallowed some cool millions at the Jamb Office as well as chimpanzee that swallowed more millions from another government office. That was when I saw the same chimpanzee online cooling of in the seashores off Bahama coast. Just the other day, they caught a supervisor who skinned the very animals he was supposed to protect in his butchery, tied them around his body and clothed up! A woman of means has learnt from the Government’s de-subsidisation agenda and withdrew the subsidy she used to give his husband when he married a second wife. It was a classical case of reverse-subsidy where the wife was paying the rent. So, she refused to pay the due rent, leaving the husband to figure out how to accommodate the new wife. And while all eyes are on the economic ball, the Borno Hisba enforcers have been forcefully shaving boys with hairstyles that violates the good morals, ethics and culture of the people of Borno State. Immoral Haircuts? I had to confirm the meaning morality as I was writing this. But this policy is double economic wahala: for the barbers who have lost customers and the boys who have lost value for their haircuts and may need to go and re-barb the hair which these fierce Hisba officials have crudely shaved without regard to shape or form. And this was after the Governor Idris of Kebbi State sacked his SA on Youths, Babangida Sarki, for making an indecent post on his WhatsApp status which negated and denigrated the morals, values and integrity of the people of the state. Morality again? But these culprits are all from these states. Are these morals espoused (what ought to be} or operative (what is)? If they are operative, why should indigenes and residents of these two states desecrate these morals?
Immoral
haircuts
Guilty, sacred cow.
In a worrisome and
unfortunate twist of fate, it appears that the gods have lost their potency.
Muoghalu Obi, Chief Priest of Okija shrine has been sent to prison for
defrauding his ‘client’( so, he is now a certified consultant), Jeffery Okoro
Eze of at least N5m. and he is STILL in
prison? He did not disappear from the prison and the policemen who arrested
him, the client and Judge who imprisoned him are still walking about
freely? Is he REALLY the Chief Priest of
Okija Shrine? If you don’t know the intimidation-quotient of the Okija shrine,
ask Chris Ngige and Eselu Uga! And then, the Osun State Police has the audacity
to arrest a cow which has been already consecrated for the 2023 cultists day celebration on
7/7/23. It is guilty because ‘oroki’ and axe symbol were inscribed on its skin. But our people say
that the tortoise atop a tree must have been aided by somebody since the
tortoise does not ordinarily climb. As an advocate for the cow, I
declare the cow innocent since it could
not have written these things on its skin. And by the way, where are those who
did it? Since the police claimed to be working with intelligence reports, why did they arrest the hapless cow while the
real culprits were allowed to escape?
Just the other day, a woman was pleading with the men to come and marry her daughters. I don’t know whether she confirmed that the girls want to remain ladies or transform into males (transgender), and whether they even want to get married to men or to marry their fellow women. These things are getting confusing but she should hold on! About 70 years ago, one of my friends was named Nwokediuko: (men are scarce) but our ladies ignored the import of that name and have been doing shakara. Now, the come has come to become as people are now marrying animals! Victor Hugo Sosa, mayor of San Pedro Huamelula in Mexico has just tied the knot with a crocodile bride in an age-old ritual for prosperity. I don’t know why they tied-up the mouth of the bride! However the worst is that Musk has gone 95% in the manufacture of robot wife: beautiful, no maintenance cost (except monthly change of battery), no quarrels, no women empowerment stuff.
Sure, men are scarce and it appears that the Isaiahic prophesy (Isaiah,4.1) has come to pass:
in
that day seven women will take hold of one man and say, “We will eat our own
food and provide our own clothes; only let us be called by your name. Take
away our disgrace!”
The tough times obviously affected the recent Eid Festival. I can testify to that because for the first time in living memory, I did not receive even a cube of roasted ram meat from ANYBOBY! And I won’t accept from anyone again unless there is an interest element. But this is a small matter compared to the case of a man whose house has been thrown into ISWAP vs Bokoharam scenario because he could not buy a ram, which he had been doing since he married 12 years ago. The wife had become rebellious, refused to cook or do anything in the house and worse of all, declared the oza room a no-go-area. The last action is of the greatest concern to my fellow man. I also do not know whether to sympathise with one Vehicle Inspection Officer, (VIO) Papu Prosper who in the normal course of duty wanted to arrest a driver under these tough times. The culprit knowing what the arrest entailed fought tooth and nail with his teeth, chopped off the man’s ear, and abandoned the car for them.
Thieves through
and through: dogs, ducks and VSOP!
Instead of adopting modified Afghanistanism and in the consequential light mood,
strategise on how to survive the tough times (which will not last forever) some
people are adopting some unholy,
shortsighted ways. Vigilantes in Gurungawa town in
Kumbotso LGA of Kano State, have arrested four suspects over the theft of dogs
and ducks. Ordinary dogs and ducks! One
of them assured that God willing, that would be their last operation!
Another petty thief was caught on
10/7/23 at Doma LGA of Nasarawa State
and tied to an electric pole. It reminded me of the firing squad of the early
‘70s. Another was also caught in Cross River State and tied to a fallen pole.
These ones are luckier than Opuofoni Freeborn Ebimotimi a first class graduate from UI and who
hailed from Southern Ijaw LGA. He was beaten to death by
a mob for stealing bread. First class
graduate… ordinary bread? The shame of a
nation! However, if these ones were prodded by hunger, what about the bigman
who went to steal a VSOP brandy worth N58k at Hallmark Supermarket in Benin?
Surely that was not caused by hunger.
But he was luckier; they did not subject him to pole-shackling or mobbed him to
death
And the courts, which have captured our political space (see: Ik Muo, Courtocracy: The final stage of Nigerian Democracy) have also waded in into our War Against Corruption. Judge Bokkos of Jos Magistrate Court has sentenced a 40 year old teacher, Sanni mohammed to 4 months imprisonment or N20k fine+ 40k compensation to the complainant for stealing 2 pairs of shoes worth 75k in May,2023 in Jos. The shoes had been recovered. The matter has been concluded within 2 months. But a court has given an order preventing Kano anti corruption bureau and or the police from arresting Ganduje over the Dollar-video while another court has also issued an order preventing the arrest and prosecution of the treasonable Adamawa INEC -Rep Hudu Yinusa-Ari. And just the other day, a police lawyer Ibrahim Mohammed who filled an 8-count charge against Stella Odua, former Minister of Aviation, has been handed over to EFCC for investigation. He filed the case in the name of EFCC without the consent of the EFCC. You can see the difference between the first cases (dogs, shoes, bread and the later cases (Dollars, elections and billions!). Even the Accountant General who stole almost N200bn is enjoying his loot probably in Dubai; Akpabio who is a serial EFCC alumnus is now the Senate President while OUK who went as far as testing life behind bars is still a distinguished senator! We are actually moving forward.
The bag, the gal
& the dotting parents
But under this
excruciatingly tough times, Cardi B and Offset
have just gifted their daughter, Kulture, a $20K Birkin bag as 5th birthday gift on
10/7/23! In this world of starvation,
hunger and extreme deprivation?5 year
old lad? N16m hand bag? Which hand e go take carry am? Anyway as
a kind hearted brothers’ keeper, I want to draw your attention to this
wonderful employment opportunity. It involves taking care of just 2 dogs in the
UK for £100000 pa, with 6 weeks annual leave and world-wide
travel with the stupendously rich family. The job description involves managing
the medical records,/checkups and, managing the dogs exercise (jumpology)and
mating regimes. I don’t need to remind you that £100000 is about N100,000,000.00!
Just to take care of two spoilt dogs!
Well, I hope I have been able to convince you, not to confuse you that under these trying times, laafta is still the best medicine. But in case I have not, just end with these ones for the road. The other day, one mischievous ‘gal’ (@muvatone ) invited 3 of his boyfriends at a sitting, introduced them to each other as cousins from here and there and the ‘competitors’ enjoyed themselves, shouting ‘whossup men’, exchanging greetings, and rejoicing that they had met the girls relations and had a swell good time! I also want you to prepare for the greatest free-style bout of the century that will soon take place between Elon Musk( Twitter) and Mark Zuckerberg( Meta/Threads). If you think the cage-match is a joke, Zukerberg was seen the other day training with UFC champions, Israel Adesanya and Alexander Volkanovskion. Musk was also spotted training with UFC legend Georges St-Pierre on July 3, 2023. Long time ago, Nico Mbarga sang about his beloved Christiana, whom he trained in a secondary school with the hope of marrying her later, and how she ‘bushited’ him and married another. Well, men did not learn from that experience and there are still many Christianas in town. A young girl being trained by her trader-boyfriend in a university has just gotten pregnant for her course-mate. The trader was taking care of her financial needs while the course-mate was taking care of her other needs! And there is this folk who had nothing to donate to his church’s fund-raising programme and decided to donate his shoe; the shoe he wore to church. And he came out to announce and celebrate this weird donation. But I ask, what is the likely worth of the shoe of a kobolesss man?
And I
thank God that I am a Nigerian in Nigeria because a Saudi Court has just
sentenced Fatima al-Shawarbi to 30 years in prison
for criticizing the government.
Change your shoes Batified MOG
Now that you have finished with it, relax a little bit to savour
it in full and then go outside and fight for your survival! Remember, tough times do not last; only
tough men do last!( Robert Schuller). And if the times gets really
tough, do not quit; change your shoes to the one that is most appropriate for
the train and keep on keeping on. And as I was signing off,
somebody was asking when these MOG( men
of God) would pay a congratulatory/courtesy call on benefactor, BAT.
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