Heavily Laden but … Laughter is it!!!
In the recent past, we have been engrossed with some really BIG and complex terms: Inflexion-point, Gerontocracy, Kakistocracy, Obimetrics and Plutocracy. The mood of the nation is also grievous with inflation at 20%, (probably running after Turkey, with an inflation rate of 80%) and the price of kerosene, used by the poor, rising by 99% from July ’21 to July ’22. The insecurity situation is getting more dreadful with 7222 murdered and 3283 abducted in 7 months (only recorded ones). However, PMB has just promised to speak to the bandits in the language they understand though Brg. Oyinlola, Ag Director of its Information Management of the Nigerian Army, has also just announced that it would take 30 years to wipe out insurgency (two years ago, Gen Buratai had forecast 20 years)! Unemployment and poverty are digging in with corruption walking on all fours while the government appears helpless. The other day, Hon. Yunusa Ahmad recalled the roles of snakes, monkeys and now termites in this sordid affair and suggested that the only option was to consult the oracles/native doctors, probably from all the geopolitical zones, so as to give the fetish process, a federal character. ASUU has been on with its rolling love-strike (started on valentines day, 2022) and the Government does not give a damn as it has approved 33 private universities of late with bills for 63 public universities at the NASS. The strike is of course not surprising to the Son of Man because when the last ASUU strike was suspended on 23/12/20, I called on all stakeholders to prepare for another strike for the simple reason that this integrity-deficit government will NOT keep it's promises since it does not know the principle, and importance of, DWYSYWD (Do What You Said You Would Do!)( Ik Muo, Musings on the latest (but not the last) ASUU Akshon,31/12/20). Unfortunately, the negotiation entered voice-mail with the chicken and egg scenario of NWNP & NPNW (no work no pay & no pay no work.) Curiously, about 1603 staff of Kaduna PH and Warri refineries received salaries to the tune of N136bn without refining a drop of oil in 2021. Why not apply NWNP to them? I just learnt that the FGN has approved 200% salary heist for NIMC staff plus other mouthwatering conditions of service, including paternity leave. There also appears to be deliberate misinformation by the government, where the Ministers of Labor and Education are creating a push-me-I-push-you scenario. In any case, the matter has rolled into Total, Indefinite and Comprehensive mode. However, the trending post of late is the front page of The Nation in 2013 where the APC was warning GEJ against threatening ASUU. Who would warn APC today? Furthermore, we have just been informed that 266 Nigerian doctors have been registered in the UK between June and July, 2022, (in JUST 2 months) making it a total of 6068 since 2015. There are also rumours that the FG has made N61m grants Universiti Teknologi Malaysia, through the Nigerian Institute for Transport technology.
The statements and ‘breaking news’ by people in government have also not helped matters. Dave Umahi, who is desperately seeking admission into our Old Peoples Home( the Sinnate) has just declared that tertiary education is NOT for everyone but his son graduated from a University of Surrey,Uk. Mr Olabimtan, Chairman of of Ondo SUBEB has, on behalf of The Governor directed that teachers should NOT enroll their children in private schools, that is if they can afford to! Well, that has been clarified (leaving Olabimintan on his own) but the ASUU proposal that people like Akeredolu should not educate their children abroad was treated with ignominy. Meanwhile, private schools are going extinct in Rwanda because public schools are doing it right. The Ministry of Agriculture spent N19bn for bush clearing and soil preparation during the Covid lockdown era, a period during which the government also spent N500m on school feeding in just 2 states and Abuja. The new improved NNPC spent billions of Naira on 4 idle refineries in 2021 while the fraud-infested fuel subsidy costs about N18.4bn daily and 95% of oil produced in Bonny Terminal is stollen. Why not shut-down the facility? We are getting deeper and deeper into the miry clay of debt peonage as our total debts stands at N41.6trn while we are still borrowing and stealing more. Termites have also joined snakes and monkeys in the multi-billion fraud industry, devouring N17.bn vouchers at NSITF. El-Rufai, hurting from being schemed out of the APC presidential vice-ship has informed those expecting a general uprising to perish the thought because Islam does not support citizens protests.
Years ago, when joke-making was not yet a profession, I used to argue that drunkards would always end up in heaven because a drunk would fail asleep, probably inside a gutter, and while asleep, he could not commit any sins and when the trumpet sounded, he would go straight to heaven (me, I no de drink!). I was reminded of this joke by a queer story from Japan where the authorities discovered that its youths are sobber because they drank far less than their parents, which adversely affected tax revenues from beverages. The National Tax Agency is therefore strategizing on how to make drinking more fashionable and has asked the youths to design programmes to encourage their peers to drink more so as to rake in more revenue and probably send more youths to heaven! The same Japan is also begging and paying its citizens to have more sex so as to have more babies because on the avarage, they have less than 2 kids per woman, below the replacement fertility rate. I have advised the Japanese Ambassador to berth some ships in Lagos, undertake a come one come all promo, and Japan will get at least 12m youths, within 12 hours, who are willing to emigrate and capable of drinking and ‘doing’ more so as to solve these two strategic problems. In a similar vein, Russia has resurrected the Mother Heroin title for any woman who successfully manufactures and raises 10 children. The award which matures whenever the 10th child is one, is worth about $16000 with a 5 pointed star gold medal. But when our people from Imo state does this by igbu ewu ukwu(slaughtering a goat in celebration the waist) for women who manufacture 8 or more, we term it a primitive culture!
In
an unfortunate twist of events, a Ghanaian farmer, Kofi Attah, accidentally cut of his testicles while he
was dreaming about cutting (and eating) meat in his sleep! Such a loving family
man, dreaming of meat for family menu.
This may have been caused by poverty or by people from the village. Still in this
strange world of ours, the late Nigerian
Rapper, Dagrin, (Oladapo Olaitan Olaonipekun) who died on 24/2/10, has just been declared wanted by the
Siera Leonian police for taking part in
a violent protest in the second week of August, 2022. The picture released was
surely his and it is either that he reincarnated in S-Leon or that the SL
police is also involved in this agelong practice of faking names and numbers to
show that they are working. In 2015, Thomas Ngcobo, a 40 year old delivery-man was declared
wanted by the S/Africa Police for privatising clients’ goods worth £1,000. On 15/8/22, he strolled into the Bethel
Police Station to find out why his application for police employment was taking
such a long time. Sure, he was arrested! I believe it was karma at work or the witches
and wizards from his village. He has been unofficially crowned the
dumbest criminal of the century
Still
on the security matters, the DSS in Owerri has reportedly just released two
young ladies, Chidinma Oba and Chiamaka Okoro, (from Umutanze) who got ‘disfigured’
while in custody. My questions then are: Did they release those girls because
they were no longer guilty, or in exchange for the protruding bellies or to go
and prepare for their traditional weddings?
As you are pondering on this, angry kidnappers have called on God to
punish a victim whose ransom was paid
with fake Naira notes. I wish more
victims would do so, but the question is: who should the police go after? The
kidnappers? The kidnapee who paid the ransom (since it is now an
offence to pay ransoms in Nigeria) or the person who manufactured and/or
procured the fake currencies? My guess is that they will most likely go for
option 3!
Eze-Anaku & some Unknown
masquerades
In the political
arena, Alh Shetima, the APC-MM running mate attended the 2022 NBA conference
where he made a loud fashion statement! This resulted in the ‘Shetima
challenge’ by people like the grandfather called Charley-Boy. Few weeks ago, Eze-Anaku,
a 4th degree ancestor, complained that hunger was acute in
the land of the dead and consequently he decided to pick up his PVC to vote for ObiDat. However, a 1m-masquerade march
was organized for the MM duo of BATShet. And I ask: do the
ancestors have PVCs and can they vote? If INEC cannot accommodate those in the
physical diaspora (including Ghana & Chad), how can it accommodate those in
the spiritual realms? But they can try,
just as they have been accommodating our cousins from Niger Republic! Beyond
the ancestors, the children have also
become involved, praying that Obi would win so that Indomie would be cheaper or
pleading with the grandpas to allow generational shift! However, Atiku
scored multiple political hattricks when
Mallam Babale Yusuf with 4 wives and 34
kids offered him a block vote in 2023.
Fashion statements Family of 39 OBIdient kids
I only advise that the man be priced appropriately because 41% of that crowd, being minors, are not eligible to vote. And with such an intimidating endorsement, what would be Atiku’s population control strategy and policies? I also wonder why this Yusuf is not YUSful! Brusque Wike has suddenly become a beautiful bride being pursued by Atiku everywhere he goes, including London. However I fainted when I learnt that the Roval Suite at The Carlton Towers, the venue for their last political haggling goes for N3m per night. N3m? That’s a little less than my annual salary! The APC bishop chicanery is still trending. Apart from one of them, a plumber, being mobbed at Abuja the other day, we now have the OBIdient Bishops (in Rome), who are being compared with the agbado bishops.
Leaving politics and politicians alone, my next port of call is on the pastorate; you know they are my very good friends. There is this unknown pastor who proposed to a widow (and she accepted), while the late husband’s corpse was lying in state. Yet, the police did not arrest the two for questioning over the man’s death! Meanwhile, the Mountain of Fire and Miracles (you need to go through the fire before claiming your miracle) has just disowned their anointed, Okija-based pastor, over the ‘alien practice’ of running a deliverance center in a private apartment where he detains, chains and holds people against their will. In a similar development, an Aramako-Ekiti based traditional pastor (herbalist, in ancient language), Nurideen Ibrahim, has just been arrested for raping and duping a woman of N10m in the process of organizing spiritual cleansing as a means of boosting her business. I thought spiritual and worldly affairs (God & Mammon) hardly go together and so, how can spiritual cleansing lead to increased money, the root of all evils? As for the rape, methinks it was a transaction between willing buyer and seller! The investigators should have also monetized the other-room experience so as to determine the exact amount involved. The pastor did not deny the allegation but said it was only N8m. It is these kinds of stories that led Mugabe to reveal from the grave that the number of Prophets in Nigeria has outnumbered the number of prophets on the old and new testaments.
Yet, there are pastors and there are PASTORS. I congratulate the Bishop of Ekwulobia, my home Diocese, His Eminence Peter Ebere Cardinal Okpaleke, who received this Cardinals’s Red Cap in Rome on 27/8/22. His case is that of a rejected stone! I would have been there live but due to my commitment to duties, I stayed back because I thought the FG would do something for us to resume on 29/8/22. (By the way, I received my own red-cap in 1992!) I also congratulate a practical shepherd and man of letters, Bishop Kukah( some still call him Father Kukah!), who turned 70 on 30/8/22. Kukah was ‘kooked’ in the best of schools where he acquired all possible degrees; he has been consistently consistent in speaking truth to power and stands for justice, irrespective of who is involved and he has somehow maintained an intriguing friendship, with all those he traduced, except this regime, which God has used to chastise us.
Going into ‘other matters’ I have just remembered that failure is an orphan and that was why our Falconets, who defeated all the teams in Group C but lost to Canada in Q-Finals, had to sleep on the chairs and the floor at Istanbul Airport, when they had a 24hour layover. If they had won, a contingent of 1001 would have gone in Presidential jet to help them carry the cup as well as their luggage. Those who want to know what rule of law is should go to the US, where the HOUSS, Paul Pelosi, was jailed by, an ordinary County Judge the( Joseph Solga, Napa County), for drunk-driving(23/8/22).
HOUSS & USS
I just imagined
what would have happened in Nigeria! The kill-and-go police chaperons would have dealt so roughly
with the traffic officers that
they won’t remember what the case was all about! However, I laughed when they
said it was a 3-day jail term! Just 3 days? But he is an ex-convict! I know you
must be wondering wetin be HOUSS; it is Husband of US
Speaker! Afterall their President is POTUS( President of
The US)!
The other day, the IGP suspended 2 supernumerary police
officers, Emanuella and Blessing Obaze, who were showing off their curvaceous
shapes in a tik-tok video.
Emmanuela+ Blessing, Curvy teacher & Lilliane
In New Jersey
however, parents are demanding that the school sacks an Arts teacher for being
too sexy and curvy and thus distracting the pupils. Why should those little
brats be watching the lady’s body-hugging dress et al? The difference between
her and our ladies here is that their law makes it illegal to sack a person for
their physical appearances. However, they are all luckier than Lilliane
Mugabekazi of Rwanda has been arrested and charged for indecent exposure for
wearing a shameful and objectionable dress in public. She risks
up to 2years in jail. Still talking about beautification, two ladies are in
pains for joining the artificialization vogue. One attached
man-made eyelashes which was so badly done that she could not open her eyes
while the other, Karli, wanted to make her lips rounder, bigger and puffy by
applying some filler-dissolvent which ballooned her lips terribly. These are the types that require NAFDAC
certification! As that was going on, Melisa Raouf, a Miss England
Finalist has created the record of being the first person to compete
without make-up. I think she is green and wholesome and any person relating
with her will be sure of the ‘product’.
Puffy lips, Artificial eye-lashes, Green contestant
But
it appears that traffic officers have suddenly become endangered species. In Lagos, a
traffic offender had the audacity to arrest a police officer who had gone to
apprehend him for driving against traffic (one-way driving)! The hunter had
become the hunted. In the same Lagos, one driver, Osinachi Ndukwe bit
off the finger of a task-force official. While in Ebonyi, a driver bit off and
swallowed the finger of Keneth Iboko, a task-force official of Ebonyi
State Capital City Development Authority. All these cases were in attempts to
escape arrest! Is it because the taskforce officials are becoming
increasingly FORCEFUL and highhanded? Or is it the desperation and
frustration in the land caused by our socioeconomic crises? Remember that in
the same Lagos, a driver stripped to his birthday suite, just to escape arrest.
But the Ebonyi man would have been in love with human flesh before that
incident!
Disfingered Kenneth Iboko
Still on police affairs, as much as 100 firearms have
gone missing in the armoury of Bauchi State Police Command. This happened not
long after the governor had accused security officials of complicity in the
banditry ravaging some parts of the state. Meanwhile, bandits have abducted 2
senior police intelligence officers, Francis Yisa & John Kefas on Abuja-Kogi
highway; on 23/8/22 as they were on critical assignment to Kogi State. When
senior intelligence officers get kidnapped by bandits, then you know how bad
things are. Furthermore, the Northwest Zonal Director of Federal Competition
and Consumer Protection Commission, Julius Haruna, has died in a fisticuffs with a junior female
employee of the commission, Muibat Abdusalam on Wednesday, 24/8/22, at his office
in Katsina. Sadly, this shows the quality of senior civil servants, the level
of discipline or lack of it in the service,
and maybe, the increasing number of people have Abraham for godfathers.
But they have not told us what led to the fisticuffs?
Meanwhile, a 33 year old lady had gone on to announce
that she had manufactured 7 kids
for 7 men from 7 countries and sets for herself the weird goal to round
it up by having 3 more kids for 3 more men from 3 more countries. An Ikorodu based and distraught husband has
just received a wonder-full advice. Anytime he quarreled with his wife,
his brothers in-law would storm his house
from Epe, beat him up and forcefully collect their two-way transport fares from him. Now he
has been advised by a practical marriage counsellor to relocate to Epe so as to
at least, save the transport costs!
Methinks the counsellor also deserves some counselling! In a case that
will be of concern to psychologists and
mental health experts for years to come, Paul Turovsky, who married on 15/7/22,
left his wife in their honey-moon hotel room in Tampa, Florida and went for a quicky with a
prostitute he booked online, only to be arrested by policemen who had arranged
a sting operation to crack down on sex trafficking. There will be no prize for
guessing what happened to him and the marriage thereafter. Maye Musk, the 74 year
old model and mother of the richest man on earth, Elon Musk has revealed that
she usually sleeps in the garage whenever she goes a-visiting. Elon confirmed the
story while the mother was busy making excuses for him. The reason? He is doing
away with all his earthly possessions, which just weigh you down, so as to relocate to
Mars. The cases of Paul, Elon and the 777 woman have just
confirmed that these whites are not normal; they always think and act in
strange ways!
Musks, Paul 777 lady
A 36 year old Italian has just won a
goldmedal, which nobody else would wish for. He became the first and only person
in the whole world to test positive to HIV, Covid and Monkeypox. What a world!
While thinking what to do to and with him, the WHO has just announced that
failure to have sex or difficulty in finding sexual partners, is now classified
as a disability!( just like poverty, physical or mental handicap!
I await the policy directives on this!
On a good note,
Nigeria’s first Covid vaccine , funded by TETFUND and developed by Uthman Danfidyo
University is set for clinical trial, starting from November 2022. Also,the posthumous magnanimity of Gen Sanni
Abacha, continues unabated as another tranche of $23 is expected from the US,
making it a total of 3.6bn in the last 24 years. God bless Abacha for his
kind foresightedness’… but what is the fate of all this recovered loot,
including the ones which were relooted?
Abacha Manna… Miserable sacrifice
The truth of the matter is that the
times are hard and people are resorting to all sorts to stay afloat. On 23/7/22, I found this sacrifice at the
Ezeamaluchi Muo/St Michales Road Junction, IgboUkwu. The cash was miserly; just
N20 and unfortunately, the meaty snails had all died off; I would have had a
nice meal of them. But I have just come across a memo titled Financial Meltdown/Cost-Cutting
Measures for your immediate compliance from the Chairman of Home
Affairs Department and Head of House to all dependents and relatives. Nothing
compares to this. I will give a summary and those who need the full, copy can
contact me privately. The memo declared the kitchen and pantry as restricted
zones that need written permission to access; banned breakfast, requires anyone
who wants to eat rice, chicken, egg,
bread and milk to apply in triplicate, 3 days in advance, given justifications
and attaching a dieticians report; prohibits boiling of water , limits bathing
water to a maximum of 5 litres and prohibits evening baths unless there is a
justifiable medical reason; removed all security lights, sacked the security
men, and drew a security roaster for all
family members; directed that guests are
to be entertained with only water and
singing for those who love music and that guests who intend to sleep over should apply
two months in advance, with an endorsement from a priest , mayor or village
head, giving reasons why they should not stay in their homes. There is nothing
more to add! Enjoy your weekend while we go back to serious stuff next time!
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“Find a great mentor, someone who has already been through the many challenges of being an entrepreneur..” -Jodi Levine
Entrepreneurship in Practice: Cases, Challenges and Lessons By IK, MUO PHD is now available on Amazon, since 14/5/21. Click here to view Available for order +2348033026625 | Delivery : Worldwide
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