2023: Permacrisis or Not, I MUST Trend this year! Ik Muo, PhD

 

Late Fr Achi
The stressful and distressed 2022 has thankfully gone while the long awaited 2023 has come and is racing furiously like the years before it. 2023 is long awaited in Nigeria because it is the year of  the GREAT decision; the choice between the old and new order; between the   monetized  and rigging-based structures and a people-based  structure; it is a year of epic struggle for the very soul, survival and future of the country, which after 62 years, is still known for its potentials and what it should have been. 2022 was described as the year of ‘permacrisis’, a ‘term that perfectly embodies the dizzying sense of lurching from one unprecedented event to another’ or “an extended period of instability and insecurity’ (David Shariatmadari, 1/11/22). However, because of the usual lag between happenings in the developed world and the reverse-developing worlds, I believe that 2023 will be our own year of permacrisis. Please, don’t crucify me! I am  neither  pessimistic nor unpatriotic; but from the way things were, the way they are and from what I have seen from my ‘pot’ going forward, Nigerians will be on the NYSC mode this year. NYSC? Now Your Suffering Continues.  However, I also believe that this will be our last year of suffering and smiling either because the old order will be justifiably benched permanently or because the recharged and angry new generation will defiantly and sustainably say and act: enough is enough!
What do you expect when the 16 years of misrule by PDP was supplanted by 8 years of criminal mismanagement by the pharisaic APC,  which had carried on as if its main agenda was and is to ‘finish’ Nigeria in all dimensions fiscally, physically, socioeconomically; when Nigeria now has the unenviable global record  of being among the last quartile in all the measures of de-development and human indignity: poverty (133m in multidimensional poverty), 40% general and 60% youth unemployment and those employed almost as distraught as the rest;  highest  youth-drug prevalence in the world,  worsening exchange rate, inflation(22%), debts( N77trn; 86% on debt servicing Jan-Nov, 2022), corruption walking on all fours, high cost of living, low standard of living, infrastructure deficit, and an increase of 2900% in the CBN loan to the Buhari government in 7 years; when we have overtaken India in infant mortality, and we are being treated with leprous contempt by other  lesser-endowed countries as our passport has depreciated by 38places in the 2022 Hanley Passport Index.
 There is also a militarization of the environment in a supposedly peace-time.   During the Xmas season, Governor Soludo came to commission a project at Igbo-Ukwu and it was as if we were at war. The convoy outweighed the vehicles of the people who came for the event; the distance between the entrance to the venue of the event was occupied by fierce looking soldiers every inch of the way and… it was scarry.  The size of the convoy and the war-like environment got my beloved sad and moody and funny enough a soldier who noticed her visage  but without knowing the cause  told her ‘don’t worry; things will be alright’.  And then, she asked him whether he was obedient  and he replied: ‘since I was born’. The whole scenario reminded me of the number of police and military tollgates between Sagamu and Onitsha and you would have seen the platoon of soldiers that accompanied Emeka Offor on a visit to his village the other day. Total militarisation in a peace time!

 

               Kidnapreneures, on the prowl…     Hon Eduaghale

Anyway, despite PMB’s repeated   12^th hour assurances that he would leave Nigeria more secured and peaceful than he met it, the ‘kidnapreneures’ struck with greater audacity, and in broad daylight, at Tom Ikimi Rail station, Edo State, kidnapping 30+ people, including the Chief Security Officer! I am not surprised. Their Kaduna counterparts (assuming they are not involved in the latest incident) amassed about N1bn in ransom, boldly rescued their people from Kuje prison and received a slap in the wrist from the government.  Now, I learnt that they have demanded for a bulk ransom of N650m.  and while the security-men are busy combing the bushes for them (in this era of CCTV cameras and drones) they struck again, kidnapping  Mrs Precious Aigbonoga, the President of the Customary Court in the area, and an ex Edo-Law maker, Festus Eduaghale, who escaped from the train attack initially (na from village them de follow am). Terrorists or bandits in their usual motorcycle convoy  kidnapped 24 worshippers at New Life for All Church at Kankara on 14/1/23, the same day that their comrade in arms burnt  to ashes, Fr Isaac Achi at Saint Peter and Paul Catholic Church  in Kafin Koro Community in Paikoro LGA of Niger State. He had escaped the bloody Xmas-Day bombing   of 25/12/11, at St Theresa’s Catholic Church, Madalla, where 39 compatriots were violently dispatched to the land of no return.  A platoon of gunmen had the audacity to attack NDLEA operatives  at Awolowo  Road in Lagos and   saved a high-profile drug lord while bandits killed 7 NSCDC Operatives providing security cover for  expatriate miners in Brinin Gwari LGA of Kaduna state. And the military is planning to hand over ‘repentant terrorists’ to governors! What will governors do with them and who  certified that they had repented?
We were lucky to buy fuel for N350  at Igbo-Ukwu  during the Christmas season but I learnt  that it was up to N500 in PH in the oily state!. However, the operative Minister of Petroleum declared that N300/liter ‘is not bad’ while the official price approved by  PMB, the substantive Minister of Petroleum is   N179! I learnt that have nicodemusly raised it to N185. The government has signed a budget  with N12trn deficit, in which NASS increased the figures by more than N1trn, with N3.5trn budgeted for the amoebic subsidy, funded with borrowed funds.  The punchy Punch reports that budget deficits have risen by 370% to N47trn under PMB. Marcel Okeke has just described  the budget as a boobytrap for the next government! And while the cost of government is weighing us down the senate has proposed 376 new federal agencies in this economically anemic country. And just the other day, I met a townsman who was approached by a PVC procurement contractor to provide at PVCs ( as many as possible) at N50,000 apiece! On 13/1/23, my younger sister had to take the risk of going to INEC office,  Ajumoni Snr secondary School, Isolo-Oshodi  LGA  by 2am(!!!)to secure  a number on the PVC queue,. She got number 9 (indicating that some people probably slept there), went back to sleep, came back around 9am and could not get her card until 1pm, an evidence of signs and wonders. Facilitation fees of N500 to N2000  were  paid and received to hasten the process. But we have been assured of fault-free  electoral  process in an election in which a man who saved is being jointly buffeted by one who sold everything to his cronies and the other who openly privatized public wealth and operates a bullion van economy and both of them are singing  Fela’s song to each other: you be thief, I no be thief! Gumi has also openly advised his people not to vote for those who will fight against the bandits.

    
War over new notes; Awaiting PVC on the mat!
And  in other lands, the Nigeria Consulate in South Africa has been disconnected from public power supply because of unpaid bills( $35000).  I don’t know whether they have paid up but they described the action as a breach of diplomaticprotocols. They think it is in Nigeria where government agencies pay no bills!
 
However, it is NOT bad news all the way. We are better than Ghana where the inflation is  running riot at 54%( ours is  a mere 22%) and in the Edo train saga, a good number have been rescued and some of the perpetrators have been arrested. PMB who is  on the exit lounge has pledged ‘henceforth’( maybe from Daura) to commit 0.5% of GDP on R&D and has just revealed a plan  to raise N1.2trn for 178000 megawatts of electricity; a man who promised 20000MW in 2015 and offered a mere 4000.  We now have a recoloured currency, which changes colour when it is in contact with water( and consequently stains peoples clothes), which we cannot see and even those who  have seen it are rejecting it violently and the CBN Deputy Governor, Financial Stability, stated that the CBN did not know the quantity( and probably, the value) of the new currency notes  printed.  Well, the CBN has just reported that the banks have jointly and severally refused to collect the new notes! Talking of the CBN, we do not know whether the Governor is a freeman or an awaiting criminal as he is being hounded at home and in the office by security operatives. How can the fellow in charge of our Central Bank be having running battles with security operatives?  Of course having contested (or attempted to contest) for presidency, EVERYTHING is possible. Still on the good news, I waited in the queue like a lamb for 3 hours on 13/1/23 to buy fuel at N179/ltr at Total, Ijebuode. I saved N6000 in the process, suffered some stress, lost my Saturday morning rest and was late for 1 hour for a class. I am still wondering whether it was worth it. The uncompleted NigerBridge2 was hurriedly  and partially opened though I still spent 2 hours on my way out of Onitsha. Oil exploration is going on in the north(the latest discovery was in Nassarawa), despite the fact that the world is moving away from oil and Dangote Refinery would soon open shop to solve all our oil woes. And just the other day,  an 83 year old  young man,veteran journalist, pa  DM Duyile, bagged a PhD in MassCom from UNILAG, indicating that determination and focused efforts still have their rewards
 
 
And we are going to have more roads as PMB has just approved N1.9trn NNPC tax-credit road project at a meeting in which he was absent! In the earlier tranche worth N621bn, North Central cornered roads worth N245bn -791kms(40%) while South East made do with N43bn-122kms( 7%). What a federation!   According to Dimka, we are together  and according to Achebe, There was a country
So, back to SERIOUS business of the day: how do I trend in 2023 and of what benefit is that? Well, last year, my economic model for making it was to join SARS (State Assisted Robbery Squad). However, members of this exclusive clique have refused to admit me despite of my efforts and entreaties. I even hired a consultant for that purpose. So, I left them and decided to be a delegate. I even read the greatest and latest book in that field (How to be a delegate) cover to cover but we all know that the next set of primaries is about 4 years away and if that stingy man comes on board, delegateship will no longer be a lucrative profession. And so, for 2023, I have resolved to hammer, despite all these scarry scenarios, by adopting the appropriate strategies so as to TREND monumentally in the internet space. When I trend, with millions of followers, I will become a big-time influencer and the darling of online advertisers. For a start, I will concurrently be an influencer, a cross-dresser, a skit maker and a content creator.  It took me just two weeks, 10^th to 24^th November, 2022 to make up my mind. On 10/11/22, Ashumusy, one of those involved in these new-era businesses, announced that she spent N2m daily in attending to live-issues.  Three days later, Blessing CEO, announced that she spent over N3m to restructure her backside (what those who want to confuse us with words call liposuction) and that was just as Bobrisky brags that a stray man, usually gave her over N5m  monthly for feeding. On 24/11/22, Enioluwa, an influencer declared that he   spent N22000 for walk-in haircuts, an amount I have not spent for  that purpose in the last 15 years.  I also intend joining the gossip industry as just the other day,  blogger Silverdam declared that ‘Gossip business is a good business” as he acquired his second car. 
 
 

       DM Duyile                        Silverdam                     My PA

The last, which will be my cash-cow is prophetic-entrepreneurship. I have been , releasing  annual declarations but it was the simple versions  like people will die, day will follow the night etc. Now,  I will go for the outlandish and revolutionary prophesies: police checkpoints will disappear from   Sagamu-Benin expressway; there will be 24/7 power supply  for the first six months of the year; our Corruption Perception Index will be among the first 10 in the world; former governors will voluntarily withdraw from their roguish pension schemes and three former presidents will die at same time on same day,. These  will push up my trending rating and then,  high net worth individuals will start consulting the latest MOG( Man of God) in town and then, Dollars and private jets will flow in. I will engage an enchanting and curvaceous lady as my PA so that my clients will be so carried away that they will  not know that they are being ripped off. If you remember that the average Nigerian Professor earns about N450000 take home pay monthly, you will not be surprised as to why  I have decided to go for these new ‘professions’
If you scan the environment regularly like I do, you will readily identify winning business ideas like these ones. I delayed the completion of this piece by an hour to attend the 104^th Inaugural Lecture at  Olabisi Onabanjo University and the topic was ‘The world cheats those who cannot read’ by Professor B.O Adekola. I agree totally with her; it is because I can read-and I do read- that I was able to identify these business ideas for 2023. I wish all my readers a FRUITFUL 2023
 Gone FOREVER: Engr  ESSKAY Ononuju.

I commiserate with the Ononuju Family on the death of their husband and  father, Engr S.K Ononuju, who left this stressful and sinful world on 7/12/22 and returned to dust on 14/1/23. He was sick for about 7 years. EssKay was a gentle, humble, friendly, trustworthy and appreciative fellow. He was my customer when I was at CCB Kaduna and we stuck a relationship that lasted long after my Kaduna Days. I spoke to him about a year ago and he informed him of his illness. Sometimes in December I decided to call and find out how he was doing only to hear  a strange  voice on the other end. I dropped the phone, thinking I had called the wrong number but the next thing I saw was his Obituary, sent by his son, Jumobi. My beloved and I were devastated  by the death of this GOOD man but  we are consoled by the fact that  is a fate that awaits us all at a time, place and circumstances unknown to us. May his gentle soul rest in peace and may the Good Lord console his family, especially, his wife.

 

Now available for N10000 (+ delivery within Nigeria) or N7500 on a pick-up basis.  Call 08037056750, 08037116817 or 08033026625

 - Ik Muo, PhD. FCIB. Department of Business Administration, OOU, Ago-Iwoye. 08033026624

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